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Moondancer's Blog

Damn.

Great.
My best friends' mom attempted suicide. Their family situation is really bad... I mean, REALLY bad. It's hard to try to be a good friend and listen to her when being already depressed.
And we can hardly buy food nowadays, no money...
I'm just one tiny step away from full psychosis...
And goddamn afraid of growing old and dying. The funny thing is, I still think of suicide sometimes.
I don't get it.
I don't get myself.
I know nothing.
And I feel I don't even want to learn, I'll just be hur… Continue

Posted on August 14, 2009 at 6:27am —

The usual ups and downs...

Sheesh. Sometimes I hate being bipolar. Getting depressed again. Every tiny piece of something bad feels like a ton now... Luckily I have a goddamn strong will to survive, so.. no suicide for me. Although sometimes it feels like I just want to sleep. Really long. But when that feeling strikes, I just say to myself "Fuck this shit" and go out for a walk. It always helps just to sit in the woods and listen. Especially in spring, everything feels so... alive. But then the anxiety comes back again,… Continue

Posted on May 20, 2009 at 3:06am —

...

It's weird looking at the teenagers nowadays.

They listen to (c)rap. They dress in over-revealing clothes. Every second word they say is "shit" or "fuck". Underaged people get drunk every damn weekend (at least here in finland, it's nothing new) and they all look excactly the same. What the heck's wrong with them? I mean... I'm 17. I don't have an weird urge for getting drunk or do just as other people tell me to (but this doesn't include my parents :D). Nor I have a problem doing as I want, ev… Continue

Posted on January 31, 2009 at 12:15pm — 3 Comments

What a great day

Seriously, i've had a really good feeling the whole day, just like i was one with all around me. I just sat in the snowy forest for an hour or so, just listening and watching the snow fall from the light grey sky. It was so peaceful and for the first time in months, i think i got the connection to something big. (a big flu possibly, but who cares)

And now my mother keeps asking why am I smiling all the time.

I saw some weird dream last night but I can't remember it all. Just a huge flame on th… Continue

Posted on January 28, 2009 at 6:47am —

New face here...

So... I think I'll tell something about myself since I'm new around here.

I'm a 17-year old girl from Finland (I will move to Ireland when i'm older and have enough money). I hope I'll be able to write proper english here, so there would be no misunderstandings... I love drawing, customizing dolls, writing and reading - I have been doing those things pretty much my whole life (which is not much yet, in 17 years you can hardly blink your eyes once). I've always been a dreamer too, since my paren… Continue

Posted on January 27, 2009 at 9:00am — 1 Comment

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At 8:06am on July 28, 2009, robert b. newton said…: I have a friend who did a past life spread with Tarot cards! I was well off but not rich,well liked but very lonely.I was not a warrior but would fight passionally for principals.My life was ruled by my emotions and very often made bad decisions concerning love and giving too much.I was an oriental,gender, not clear!I was told that I was given this life to resolve these emotional issues.Funny....It seems i'm having the same life as then............

At 7:44am on July 28, 2009, robert b. newton said…: You are so fortunate to have a guy who is understanding,someone who lets you know you are loved and valued! I've not thought of suicide,I'm too selfish and self centered.I have many times wish I didn't exist,that I was never really here,or that I was in another place and time.Do you believe in past lifes and future ones?

At 7:22am on July 28, 2009, robert b. newton said…: Hi Moon,so nice and glad to hear from you.Thank you for your honesty and it's good to be self aware.People just do not understand,you talk with friends you consider close and you think they understand but I always find out they really don't.It's superficial,people ddon't understand the depth of it! My anchor is my art.Creativity is ,to me ,an entity.Someone i'm comfortable with,I can be my true self,no judgements no preconceptions.I can be angry,happy ,sad, all the emotions and yet the creativity rolls with me.I'm free to express myself and it's a wonderful release of emotion!Sometimes though the act of creating something is frustrating.Times like that I go to a favorite place alone,empty my head( it's hard to do, my thoughts are always swirling around like a storm,you probably know this!) and just get to be one with the natural world,it's spiritual call it being with God if you like.......I recharge. Please take care of yourself,talk to you later...Love Robert

At 9:12pm on July 27, 2009, robert b. newton said…: Moondancer! How are you?? I did this for my neice while she was away in california.

At 10:43am on July 16, 2009, robert b. newton said…: There are times I should do things,eventhings I really want to do but can't get my act together enough to do them!I obcess about not taking care of business and just make myself miserable.That's when I've got to push myself,sometimes I can sometimes it's a little harder.I'm saying this because I at times don't respond to people and they don't realize it's me not them!

At 10:26am on July 16, 2009, robert b. newton said…: Sorry to hear that but you are not alone,I know how it feels and you are in my thoughts!I'll try the video again and send you a batik of someone who comes to me in dreams!

At 6:39am on July 16, 2009, robert b. newton said…: Hi, how are you? I'm feeling somewhat better today,It's been a rough couple of months. Did you get the video I sent ? The X in the little box looks like it didn't go through.Your english is excellent and well writen.

At 10:36am on July 12, 2009, robert b. newton said…

At 10:28am on July 12, 2009, robert b. newton said…: Hi Moondancer,very nice to hear from you! My life is ruled by my heart,and many of lifes decisions have been emotional ones not rational or well thought out.I too was considered odd pretty much all my life but I thought everyone else was odd,fake.What's wrong with gazing at stars for hours,being in the deep woods quietly and still until you're one with nature,when the residents of the forest go about with no fear of me.A landscape a thunder storm,a heavy snow can bring me to tears.I'm a painter and the mood and atmosphere is what compels me to paint.Many times I'm filled with self doubt,sometimes the desire to paint leaves me,that's where the depression shows its ominous head and I'm in for a fight! I loose focus and energy,I don't feel like doing anything,I obsess over it and things get worse,but I keep the thought that it will pass.All in all I'm content with my life the ups and the downs.If I had the choise of not being depressed and being like everyone else I would chose the depression.I'll send you a small video of one of my places of solice,a place I can recharge.I love talking to you about these things,I feel safe!

At 3:21am on July 11, 2009, robert b. newton said…: Hello Moondancer,I looked at your profile because of a mutual friend.It's good to talk about your bipolar.Not many people admit ,much less talk about mental disorders.I think we are kindrid spirits! I have major depression and have to take medication every day.I'm an artist and love to draw as well.Take care,keep in touch!